The journey I am on is not the one I expected. I am mourning the person I spent more than 40 years creating. I didn’t choose to be here, but that is life. Sometimes, the world redirects us to a new track without asking us. My life was amazing. I was happy until a minute in time delivered me to a new world. It is a place, I don’t know or understand. I am lost.
I question if is this my mid-life crisis. You hear about them, but you never believe it will be your turn until your number is called. I don’t know which way is forward or backward, up or down. Yesterday, if you asked me who I was, I would have told you, “I am a human resources professional who craves to create better workplaces for people. I love to travel, and I may love the outdoors more than learning about the cultures and the lives of others. My heart rests on my sleeve and being a wife and a pet owner is one of the most cherished things in my life.”
This Isn’t My Life
Today as I read the paragraph above, I would think you were talking about another person. The journey to make it across the kitchen can take me an hour to complete. I can’t imagine traveling or exploring nature if it takes everything I have to get out of bed. If spelling my name is an impossible chore, there is no way I can influence workplaces for others.
Yes, I have a husband and pets, but I yell at them not to touch me or engage with me. Screaming and cussing at my spouse, the love of my life to keep his hands off of me, is not the picture of marriage I dreamed about when I said, “I do”, years ago. He would never intentionally try to hurt me, but he forgets I am in pain 24/7. Unfortunately, my bone bruises don’t come with a flashing light that says, “Don’t Touch!!”
I keep saying to myself, this isn’t my life. Tomorrow things will get back to normal, next week things will go back to the way they were, or next month we can at least stop the agony. It doesn’t matter how much I say those things, this is the hell I am in and it does not cease.
Life Can Change In Minute
It has been two and a half years since the teenager texting while driving panicked and expedited the chance encounter when his foot slammed on the accelerator and not the brake. A moment he wishes he could take back. I have been watching the lights turn from green to yellow to red, over and over and over again at the ill-fated intersection I can see from my bed, my kitchen, and my living room. The three places I spend almost every moment when I am not a medical facility.
It serves as a constant reminder of how quickly life can change. I have never told this story like this before. It is my story and it is true. I hope you noticed it is a survivor narrative and the ending has not been written. I believe if life has already proved it can change in a minute, it has the capability of doing it again. In the meantime, who am I?
Who Am I?
It feels like I am on a lonely path to self-discovery. It is a journey I must make on my own, but I am not the only one in the world on a journey like this. Countless others are asking themselves “Who am I?” It seems like an easy question to answer. Responses include such things as you are a wife, you’re a confident woman, and you are an artist. However, it isn’t that easy when life redirects you.
The good news is I have a pretty clean slate. I need to hang on to my family but otherwise I can choose to be whomever I want to be. That is just as soon as I can get past the “I cannots” and get to the “I cans.” America was built by people who found themselves in a world they did not know, with a language they did not speak, and money they needed but they did not have. There must be more to me than I realize like it was for so many immigrates to the United States.
That is the key. I am not lost. I have just not yet discovered the best parts of me.
The Journey To Self-Discovery
I know from all my years in business, friction and unexpected obstacles create an opportunity to fire new neuropathways in my brain, opportunities for survival to show me their abilities, and for me to rise-up stronger than ever. It is about time I discover what I have been carrying inside of me for more than 40 years and I didn’t identify, acknowledge, or accept.
I am lucky to be alive and I vow to see my journey of self-discovery as a gift and not a burden. I promise to find my strengths by experimenting and end the habit of hiding behind my weaknesses. I must bet on me. I will find a way to dream and create a beautiful future.
Unleash Your Inner Genius
If you fast forward two and half years you will find a strong woman who loves her life. Oh, she has stories to tell you about the tough times, but she would rather focus her time, energy, and talents on manifesting new possibilities for the future. She no longer talks about the days she cried when the sun rose in the morning after being up all night because she is too busy coaching entrepreneurs on her own terms. She is unleashing her inner genius in ways not possible before.
Once she let go of her identity and mourned it, she could invent a new one. She enjoys creating the life she wants to help others find their inner genius. Does life get better than this? Fairytales and movies finish with happy endings after they take you on a hero’s journey. When you are your own hero, your happy ending awaits. What are you going to do to create your happy ending? Cheers to the mid-life crisis, self-leadership, and self-discovery!! #makeItHappen2018