It is imperative we step into our sensual personal power after childhood sexual abuse. I’m just going to go with the flow and speak from my heart here. No facts or scientific studies. After all, it is about sensual PERSONAL power. Just me and my experience. My soul speaking to your soul. A woman like any other going through this human experience we call life. I’ve never felt like I had a victim mentality, but I am part of the “me too” movement. Now I’m in the “I am” movement. Just waiting for the “fuck off movement”. lol
Working through my childhood sexual abuse over the years, I had body shame and sexual difficulties. There were certain things that triggered me. Some things had to do with the act itself. However, there were certain smells, objects, gestures, sounds, and certain words that were triggers also. While working with my therapist through all of this, I began to put the pieces of my life together.
I found answers to why I was so promiscuous and turned to alcohol/drugs at such a young age. Why I chose toxic relationships became clear. I wondered how many other women went through similar experiences. Some women gain weight, some become promiscuous, some bury themselves in books and/or work, a lot of people drink and/or drug to numb out, most experience depression, anxiety, PTSD, and other mental health conditions, and the list goes on.
I became angry as to how in the world so many have to go through this. Most that never tell a soul about it happening to them. Sometimes we just feel like we want to hide. We don’t dare rock the boat and tell our story. We may feel like the hurt and shame it may bring to others is more important than healing ourselves.
My Healing Journey
The best thing I did for myself was finding my way to therapy. It sparked my healing journey. It helped to see I’m not alone. That what I’m feeling and what I went through was not my fault and has happened to many before me. It’s no longer a secret we need to keep. It’s freeing. It was the beginning for me. The beginning of feeling safe enough to express true self and find my purpose. I began to feel my body for the first time in my life.
I’m sure that sounds odd to some people. But when boundaries are crossed in childhood, we sometimes don’t regard our bodies as our own. We detach from them completely in every sense of the word. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. It’s hard to feel pain or pleasure. We can become numb to feeling our body. Inside and out.
Through a lot of inner work, I slowly became more aware of my feelings, emotions, and started to feel my body. Inside and out. I even started to see my own exterior beauty for the first time in my life. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder is something I always believed.
I never felt cute, pretty, attractive, or beautiful in any sense of the word. However, I was able to accept all of my exterior features and learn to appreciate them. To see God’s beautiful creation. I also saw my spirit, my soul, the beauty of who I am on the inside. That my opinions matter. That it’s okay to have an opinion and not just one that I think the other person wants to hear.
Taking Back My Sensual Power
This all leads me to the purpose of this journal/article/blog… Sensual Personal Power! My healing journey involves taking back my sensual power. Owning my sexuality for the first time in my life. Doing what I want, what pleases me, satisfying my own desires. Tending to my own garden for once. To nurture, water, and grow the seeds of self-love, self-awareness, and self-acceptance. It’s the “me movement” in my recovery. It’s freeing and I no longer feel the need to hide my body. There is no shame in claiming our sensual personal power. Sex is good. It’s natural. It’s empowering.