We Need To Talk About Menopause: The Elephant In The Room

Menopause is the elephant in the room.

Menopause Chicks At Forty Five
Shirley Weir, MenopauseChicks.com

First, let’s talk about what is an elephant in the room?

It’s an enormous topic or issue that might be obvious, but no one wants to discuss. It might be something that is uncomfortable or embarrassing or controversial.

The phrase itself is based on the idea that something as conspicuous as an elephant can often be overlooked—sometimes to the determent of the people doing the overlooking.

Hello. I’m Shirley, founder of Menopause Chicks.

I am 54 years old. I am a fierce women’s health advocate and I spend most of my time in an online community—MenopauseChicksCommunity.com—advocating for women who want to navigate perimenopause-to-menopause (& beyond!) with confidence and ease.

We deserve the best quality of life.

My own journey began in my early 40s when sleep deprivation, brain fog, depression, and anxiety sent me looking for quality information about menopause, and despite a visit with my doctor and numerous searches with “Dr. Google,” I felt dismissed and disappointed.

I launched a blog to crack open the conversation in 2012 because nobody was talking about menopause. Nine years later, Menopause Chicks is a recognized leader in the women’s health space, with a very active community of 35,000 members. Last year, our community received more than 2 million site visits and moderated 46,482 questions and comments.

That’s because we have questions about our midlife health and menopause. In fact, 77% of us don’t know where to turn with our health questions, 62% lack the time to do the research, 31% don’t trust online information, 35% don’t trust our physicians and 70% of women don’t have anyone to talk to when it comes to perimenopause or menopause.

Menopause Chicks At Forty Five
70% of women don’t have anyone to talk to when it comes to perimenopause or menopause

And last year’s InHerWords.ca research from BC Women’s Health Foundation revealed that over half of women leave their medical appointments feeling dismissed & disappointed. The majority of those visits are related to either menstruation or menopause. The statistics are worse for Indigenous and other marginalized groups.

I believe women can confidently navigate midlife health, menopause (& beyond) when they have access to quality information, experienced health experts to support their journey and a community of other women who have their back. Those three things have become the cornerstone of the Menopause Chicks mission.

Elephant #1: Menopause is not what we think it is.

I might say menopause and you might immediately have thoughts such as hot, old, tired, bitchy, or fat. You might assume that perimenopause is a synonym for symptoms and suffering. Or, you listen to your mother or grandmother say there is controversy or risk associated with hormone therapy and that you should avoid it. Even if it means you compromise your quality of life. Perhaps you may have seen an ad that left you believing older women don’t want to or can’t enjoy sex anymore. You might assume that if you have issues or health concerns, your doctor will know what to do. You could believe that—somebody somewhere—has “the magic solution.”

Women At Forty Five
Women can confidently navigate midlife health when they have access to quality information.

You may be reading this right now and thinking “thank goodness I don’t have to worry about this until I’m 50!” or “been there; done that.”

But what if I told you none of those assumptions are accurate?

Menopause is one day. It’s the 12-month anniversary of your final period. There is no such thing as “menopause symptoms” because menopause, like puberty, is neither an ailment nor a disease. Yes, there are symptoms of hormone imbalance, thyroid imbalance, cortisol imbalance and burnout, and even iron deficiency. And we need women to know how to find and treat the root cause of their health concerns because otherwise, there is a tendency to assume that any suffering is “just menopause,” “will get better with time,” or “is just part of being a woman.”

What will it take to UN-learn the outdated language and images associated with menopause? What will it take to re-frame the myths, misconceptions, and media innuendo? How can we support the very generation of women who are holding up the world right now? How can we let them know they are not meant to suffer?

The second elephant in the room is that no one owns menopause—the brand.

Here’s what I mean:

If you say “climate change,” I think of Al Gore. “Breast cancer” in Canada immediately leads me to The CIBC Run for the Cure. “Beauty” equals Dove, contraception in third world countries makes me think of Melinda Gates’ book “The Moment of Lift.”

Recently, I was telling my kids that in the early 1970s, we didn’t wear seatbelts. They were shocked. But the truth is, that until Volvo invested significantly in safety—until they “owned” safety in the marketplace, seatbelts were not a thing.

So who “owns” menopause? Difficult to say. And it’s even harder to pinpoint who owns the complexity of our midlife health—which includes the dismissal, the lack of quality information, the lack of experienced hormone balance experts—and the big elephant in the room: who owns the connection between women’s midlife health and eventual heart disease statistics, for example? Or Alzheimer’s disease? Or osteoporosis?

Sure, there are ample marketers peddling solutions for hot flashes, but there is no one who advocates for women to invest in their midlife health as a way to turn down the dial on disease and turn up the dial on women’s quality of life in her sixth decade and beyond. That’s because we mostly have a “cross-your-fingers-and-hope-for-the-best” mindset.

Elephant #3 is a sad truth—gleaned from thousands of conversations in the Menopause Chicks Community over the years: we continue to make health decisions based on headlines and hearsay.

And memes.

There is rarely a day that goes by where there isn’t a headline about women’s health that blames, shames or misguides her health decisions.

Every day I face more information the is out of date or misconstrued (especially when it comes to hormone therapy). Even more challenging is the new articles coming on the scene that are fact-checked according to Google.

Our culture’s language and imagery for Menopause are out of date and do not represent it accurately.

Women Health At Forty Five
There is no such thing as “menopause symptoms” because menopause, like puberty, is neither an ailment nor a disease.

Even though midlife women continue to hold the most influential positions in society and control the most consumer buying power, women’s health and health research, and even the words used to describe our anatomy continue to be on the back burner.

The term “perimenopause,”, only coined in 1996, is the phase of life where hormone fluctuations lead up to menopause. In 2021, when you Google this word, the first images are sure to be pictures of gray-haired women holding fans—or holding their head in their hands to depict depression and defeat—or a photo of a woman on the side of a bed with her partner in the background saying “she doesn’t want to have sex anymore.”

Women are 35-55 when they are navigating perimenopause.

These images misinform, are not aspirational and they keep important conversations about perimenopause and menopause in the closet.

True story: the producers of The Today Show asked me not to use the word “vagina” when talking about vaginal dryness. This is a common post-menopause experience that 80% of women experience yet less than 4% of us receive treatment for. This is impacting our ability to sit comfortably, exercise, have sex comfortably, avoid UTIs, incontinence, and in some cases, wear jeans and pants comfortably. But we can’t yet talk about it on national tv.

These are just a few of the questions that keep me awake at night.

They are big elephants.

And it can sound as if the system is too big to change. But what if: we ARE the system?

What if change comes through more vulnerability, story-telling, curiosity, or paradigm shifts?

That is what I am asking of you since you have read this far: What new way of thinking about menopause and women’s midlife health can you take away from this article—and then talk to a colleague or friend about it in the coming days?

Menopause Mokita At Forty Five
Shirley’s book, MOKITA, is an Amazon bestseller in women’s health

The Kavila tribe in Papua New Guinea uses the word “MOKITA” which means—the truth we all know but choose not to speak of—in other words, the elephant in the room.

And the Kavila tribe actually measures the health of their community by how many mokitas they have. It motivates them to put taboo subjects out into the open rather than to avoid important conversations.

What if we measured the health of our community based on how many MOKITAS we have?

I want to hear your thoughts. Please write to me at Shirley@MenopauseChicks.com

Sign up for the next Menopause-Masterclass.com June 2.

Masterclass Shirley Weir

Shirley Weir
Shirley Weir

Shirley Weir is on a mission to empower women to navigate perimenopause & menopause with confidence and ease. She is the founder of MenopauseChicks.com and its popular private online community, and she recently published her first book, MOKITA: How to Navigate Perimenopause with Confidence & Ease.

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